I'm not crazy,

I'm just alive.

Life is just a windy road.

My blankets smell like my grandparents blankets.
Not like old people, just a very distinct smell.

It's weird, how little things stay with you for your whole life.
The smell of a blanket, the feel of something, the warmth of one summer evening.

Most of my memories are from Arizona.
I say that because everything that's happened in Oregon feels like it's all happened yesterday.

I really can't believe that it's Halloween already. A whole year went by, already?
Time's been going by so fast, I can't tell which days are which.

Some days, I feel like I'm not even here. It's like I'm just floating by, fading away.
I don't know what's happening to me.

I don't talk to any of my old friends, and I don't even think most of them notice.
I have a few that are still talking to me, and I'm so happy for that.

A lot of my friends shouldn't even be my friends, they've hurt me in countless ways.
But oh well, I'm too forgiving.

I hate when I'll say, "I'm never going to be your friend again."
But six months later, I ask them how they're doing.

That's my soft spot. Friendship.
I just give and give and give, but in the end, they spit on the thing we had.
Like our whole friendship was nothing.

I don't know what I'm talking about. Actually, yes, I do.
I'm just talking about everything I don't talk about.

I don't talk much anymore, I wonder why.

I haven't changed, I'm just floating by.

just floating by.

love as long as you live

"It's something some can see,
but something most don't feel.

it's something I'll always have,
it's something very real."

To someone that's never felt the feeling of finding their soulmate,
it's hard to explain.

It's like total comfort, knowing you'll never be alone again.
Trying to explain it, is like trying to explain why the moon glows with beauty,
or how the fall colors make you warm inside.
It's just spectacular, extravagant, miraculous.
It's every dream coming true.

It's the best feeling in the world.

you were right.

It's been so long.
I've always thought that time meant nothing, but it's everything.
You never know when you're gonna go.

I realized that when Josh died.

It's still the unthinkable. He was the person that was supposed to live forever. When we were all talking about what we'd do if one of us died a week before it happened, we didn't think any of us would die. Not Craig, not me, and especially not Josh.
It still feels like I just haven't seen you in a while. I remember the last time I did. It was the day I was moving back to my dads, and you had just gotten back from Grants Pass and saw. You came over and asked if we needed any help. I gave you a big hug and you told me to stop by soon. I never did. I remember the night before you died, you called me, and I didn't answer. I was too wrapped up in my own misery to answer. But you left a message, one I'll remember for the rest of my life. You said "hey skittles, it's your big brother Josh. Just callin' to see if you're okay. don't worry everything will be okay. Tyler's got his licence and we'll steal a car and come rescue you and everything will be okay. Love you soul sibling, talk to you soon." It was the last time I heard his voice.
The next morning Craig kept texting me, telling me he has to talk to me. I didn't text me back, I was tired. Finally I called him and when he answered the phone with his shaking voice, I just knew something was wrong. He said to me, "Shawny, I have to tell you something:" I didn't know what to expect. "Josh, last night, he went to sleep and never woke up." I didn't believe him, I didn't want to. I told him that's not funny and he said he wouldn't be crying on the phone to a girl he likes if he was joking. I didn't know what to do, I hung up.
I couldn't believe it, it just couldn't have happened. I called his phone, Josh's phone shaking. His Grandma answered, and that's when I knew, I knew he was gone. I just remember crying and crying and when my mom came home for her lunch break she cried with me. Not Josh, one of the greatest people, he couldn't die. But he did.
The first few months were the worst. I just remember destroying my room and crying on my floor, screaming. I called his phone all the time just to hear his voicemail. It's still hard thinking about it.
I've been better though, I think about how he wouldn't want anyone to be sad and crying over him. He'd want us to keep on living, for him.
Josh has done so much for me.
He was a best friend, a brother, he saved me.
He really cared about everyone.
He made me stop everything, and just learn to be happy.
He taught me that everything would be okay.
He was there when no one else was.
Without Josh, I would never have met Craig, the love of my life.

Josh was too young to die, but I know he's still with all of us.
I can't wait to see him again.

I love you Josh Berry, like you always said, soul siblings for life.


I don't know why I wrote this, I guess I just needed to let it out.
I needed to feel again.