I'm sick of waiting, I'm breaking free.

It's the year two thousand and eleven,
and I can't comprehend it if my life depended on it.

I still haven't brought up a New Years resolution for myself,

I'm slightly frightened to.

Last year, well, it wasn't the best for me.
I remember stumbling down the stairs in my dead friends apartment telling myself,
"I'm going to make this the best year of my life."

You're probably wondering why I was in my dead friends apartment. 

 Well you see, he wasn't dead just yet.

To me, he seemed more alive than ever. More accurately, 

he was more alive than anyone I knew, 

especially me.

I can't exactly remember what my New Years wish was for 2010,

but a friend of mine told me it was to be with a boy;
which I am in a relationship with now.


There are several things I remember from New Years 2010.

1. I had my first New Years kiss with a boy that didn't know who I was.

2. I promised my dead friend that I would stop hurting myself.

3. I stained my peta2 shirt with red jell-o (haha).

4. I fell down the stairs, feet first.

5. I stayed up all night telling a stranger my life story.

6. I met the sunrise of 2010, then closed my eyes.

7. I kept saying it was going to be the best year of my life.

8. I was wrong.

I remember more, like watching the terminator,
and having staring contests with Rasputian (Josh's Fish).

But it's all a bit irrelevant to my beginning point.

"at times the most irrelevant, is the most comprehensible."

What my voice is trying to tell my fingers, to tell the keyboard, to tell you, is that something inside of me blames my glowing remarks from new years about how good everything is going to be, for how inevitably terrible it turned out to be.

Don't get me wrong, there was some good in the year of 2010.

1. New years.

2. My time in Arizona. (mid year.)

3. Receiving my dog Julio Jose Quervez Ponchito Enrique Eglasies.

4. Martin Handcart Trek, 2010.

5. The AP tour/ Bring me the horizon concert.

6. That time at the mall with Ashton when we made a build-a-bear 

and took that picture.

7. Thinking there was hope for us, and that this time it was real.

8. Finally realizing how I feel for Craig Webb.

&every time I can be with him.

9. Getting closure to a long time running hand hold.

10. Every day before Feb. 11th.

But believe me stranger, there was some bad,

1. Josh Berry left us. Feb. 11th.

2. Feb. 8th, I left Glendale.

3. March 3rd, Josh's 20th birthday.

4. haunted.

5. The murder of Savannah Albertson.

6. The car wreck on the way to Warped Tour.

7. My kitten dying.

8. Having to leave Arizona.

9. The anniversary of Ry.

10. The time I messed up.

11. The day Julio got sick.

12. The day Julio Died.

13. The times I was alone.

14. You letting go.

15. Me holding on.

I can go on, but I don't want to bring myself down.

"And then she tied the anchor, 

to her hands, to her waist."

-If you need conformation of my tragedies, I'll show you later on.

I'm frightened of this year.
I can't say I have nothing to lose, because I do have something to.
I have everything to lose.

I guess the only way to ease the ache is to expect it, and I do.


I'm ready for 2011, and I'm ready to lose everything.


But I promise you this, 
I will fight with every once, every fiber, 
every piece of my body- to get it back.

"sometimes, it's better to be lost; rather than find yourself somewhere you don't want to be."

to let go- is to stay gone.

 

Show me how to let go, teach me how to be free.